Mary, the Mouse-killer
Did I ever tell you about that time when I killed a mouse using the remote control? What about when I killed one with my bare hands? No?
Last May, I killed two mice the barbaric way. One with a remote control and another with my hand. No, there is no “kill mouse” button on the remote. I just used the remote to whack it on the head.
If you think that’s funny then you are a bad person and you deserve to have parents who are wary of rat poison (because their children might eat it by accident) and insist on using fly catchers to get rid of household pests. You deserve to be the only person awake at night when a mouse gets caught in the trap and makes horrible squeaking noises. You deserve to be so curious you had to check it out and catch the mouse in the middle of escaping its sticky prison. THEN it will be YOUR fault you didn’t do something, anything to prevent the mouse from escaping.
Apparently I’m a bad person because that’s exactly what happened to me. After a moment of panic, I grabbed the TV’s remote control because it was solid, it was near me, and Calee likes watching TV and I don’t. I gave the mouse a soft tap on the head, thinking that that would be enough.
I was wrong. I was wrong eight times. And motherofgod, the horror!
Every weak tap was followed by squeaks from both of us then me pleading for the mouse to either die already or shut up with the pitiful squeaking so I can focus on ending its misery.
Moral of the story: it takes conviction to kill a mouse the humane way. You have to hit it like you mean it. Otherwise, you’re just a sadistic person who deserves to repeat my horrible experience.
That’s why when I caught another mouse the week after that, I didn’t look for the remote control. I just bashed its head in using my hands. Rest assured that this time, the poor mouse went quietly without a squeak of protest.
And if you found this blog by accident while looking for ways to get rid of household pests, this is recommended reading for people with mouse problems. You’re welcome.