Why Zombies Aren’t Scary

Everytime I profess my undying love for zombies, I hear one of two things:

(1) The sound of no one caring, or

(2) OMG!!! Zombies!!! Aren’t you scared at all?

Well, no. Actually, zombies are 2nd in the List of Supposedly Scary But Non-threatening Things. (Right next to North Korea’s purported nuclear prowess.)

Here’s why zombies aren’t scary:

Zombies are brainless and predictable.

Unlike ghosts or demons, zombies can’t open doors, walk through walls, or crawl out of your TV set even after you unplugged it and stopped the damn tape.

Zombies aren’t real.

They can’t threaten you with knives or guns and demand you hand your wallet over. They can’t steal public funds or jail you for protesting unfair zombie practices.

Zombies don’t control your life.

They will never ever give you surprise thesis evaluations and 4-hour Transport Phenomena exams. And once you’ve designed a Distillation Column using UNIFAC, zombies are a walk in the park!

See? Zombies aren’t scary at all. You’re probably better off watching zombie flicks once in a while to escape some of the horrible things people do to each other.

Now pass the popcorn.

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