Post-Surgery Post: Which Is Better? Toothache or Heartbreak?
(In which I walk into a surgeon’s clinic asking for an initial consult… and walk out an hour later missing one tooth, a pint of blood, and a year’s worth of pizza money.)
I had extraction surgery last March 26.
The emergency kind.
The kind where you visit the doctor hoping he’ll give you pain pills and tell you to go home and rest but instead, you end up sitting on a dentist’s chair while he alternates between drilling around your gums, cracking your tooth open, and pulling out the pieces.
If it weren’t for the anesthesia, I’m sure the procedure would feel like a gorilla was playing monkey bars on my jaw. As it was, it felt like a gorilla was playing monkey bars on my jaw.
On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being the highest), I have no idea where extraction surgery lies. BUT I can confidently tell you that it’s easier to deal with relationship problems than undergo extraction surgery because…
4 Reasons Why It’s Better To Have Your Heart Crushed Than Your Teeth Extracted
#1 There is no relief for post-extraction pain. Not even in sweets or alcohol.
Binging on cake and ice cream for three days only works for break-ups. For post-surgery pain,
painkillers a soft diet nothing works. Because anything that requires you to ingest something is torture. (By the way, you’re not allowed to drink or smoke too, so good luck dealing!)
#2 Surgery costs a lot of money, breaking-up is cheap.
Unless you mix business and personal affairs, breaking up costs nothing. Just say some nasty things, wail at each other’s faces, cheat on your partner, and you’re done. Extraction surgery, on the other hand, costs around PhP 10,000. Per tooth.
#3 You can’t blame wisdom tooth pains on anyone.
With a little creativity, you can blame your relationship problems on just about anyone (except you, of course). Wisdom tooth problems though, are based on luck. Not even a good diet of veggies or milk or multi-vitamins can save you. It’s just “something” that can happen to anyone. And when the time comes, it’s either you get some slight discomfort for a few days or you get gorillas hanging off of your jaw. So if you’re someone who takes comfort in blaming someone else, I sincerely hope your wisdom teeth don’t come with gorillas attached.
#4 Extraction surgery gives you bad breath (and makes you ugly).
Aside from bloating your face and making you endlessly drool a disgusting saliva and blood cocktail, extraction surgery renders you unable to floss or brush your teeth properly. No wonder people don’t blog about extraction surgery!
And while you can bounce back and become more “attractive” after a break-up, you will never hear someone say: “Gee, that extraction really helped you a lot. You go, girl! Show that wisdom tooth you can live with an incomplete set of molars!”
In short: You’re doomed. There is nothing you can do about it.