mary’s blog

(where mary is always write)

forgot to tag this post on October 2, 2012.

10 Selfish Blogging Goals You’ll Only See 4 Of

In the fastest case of karma known to mankind, I fell sick right after this pizza post. I’m also banned from all kinds of food now: pizza, kimchi, chocolate, ice cream, MSG&Salt chips, bacon… Yep, all kinds of food.

While wailing at Calee and demanding proper food (none of this apple+crackers bullshit), I was struck with an important question: Why am I blogging and how will I know I’ve succeeded?

The why is easy: I want to entertain people.

Sadly, I had no idea how to measure success of that lofty Why so I came up with a list of 10 ways to gauge my entertainment talents. Unfortunately, not all of them are legal. After removing the incriminating items, I was left with 4 goals/measures of success which you can read below.

#1 Be published in Thought Catalog

If I can write about poop or IKEA or something mundane AND make people all over the world comment about how it changed their lives and cured their depression or something, I’m golden.

#2 Find Ten True Fans

That linkbait up there says that to succeed in anything, you only need 10 people. (Except in monogamous relationships, in which case you’ll only need two: you + 1.)

After computing everyone’s level of adoration for me, I have determined that my True Fan Count is 2.

This doesn’t include [1] friends who will like me anyway, [2] minor fans, and [3] relatives up to the third degree of consanguinity.

#3 Have 100 unique visitors a day

Are you one of those people who think site statistics don’t matter? On a publicly accessible blog? If so, pardon me but you’re an idiot.

The point of writing in a public venue is to communicate something: a story, an idea, a bloody lesson. You always have an intended audience. If you’re not getting through to that audience there’s something wrong lacking in your piece. The faster you accept that, the faster you can improve.

— Going with that preachy belief, I chose a relatively small but ambitious number to “measure” reader engagement.

Rest assured you won’t be subjected to hyped up and provoking posts that boost stats but piss off people. Neither will your design sensibilities be offended by obtrusive, glittery banners that say: 000018 people have visited this site since 2011.

#4 Write truly useful/amusing posts that will compel people to act on it

Act as in share it on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, MySpace, Friendster, WordPress, family reunions, community barbecue, prayer meetings, wherever. Act as in click on that comment form and write something witty or sarcastic. Anything from you commenting “LOL that’s funny, Mary!” to you posting this blog elsewhere and saying “Shit, guys, you should read about this crazy bitch who karate-chops mice!

* When I’m all better I will tell you about How The Doctor Stole My Superpowers and share Why I Hate Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone. Then when I’m brave enough I’ll admit Why I Like Twilight.


This tall tale is filed under Lists.

There are 2 reactions to this story, leave yours below?

  1. JC on October 2, 2012

    LOL that’s funny, Mary!

    • Mary on October 2, 2012

      Don’t forget to talk about me in your next barbecue party!

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