Philippines To Borrow Honest Government Officials, Improve Life For Filipinos

Manila, Philippines — Law-abiding Filipinos suffering from their fellowmen’s lack of discipline and morals may now find themselves in better company.

During a press briefing last Monday, Lifestyle Secretary Val Dozer announced the government’s plans to improve life for well-behaved Filipinos by borrowing good citizens from other countries.

In a nationwide study conducted in Metro Manila, the Deparment of Lifestyle Improvement (DOLI) determined what types of people are needed in the Philippines.

Among the top 5 were: people who fall in line, pedestrians who do not throw garbage on the streets, drivers who follow traffic rules, business owners who pay taxes, and honest government officials.

“After serious consultations with passers-by, we found that there is a huge demand for these 5 types of people in our society, yet no one is willing or capable of meeting that demand,” said Dozer.

Asked how they plan to address the shortage, Dozer revealed they are in talks with Japan, Switzerland, and Singapore — countries known for having disciplined citizens and competent officials, to entice them to live in the Philippines instead.

Local officials protested the move, arguing that there’s no shortage of leaders in the country.

“Bakit sila kukuha ng gov’t officials sa labas? Eh ang dami-dami ngang nag-a-apply maging mayor at congressman? Ang problema, kulang ang available positions! Nung huling election nga lang, hirap nang mag-hanap ng distrito ang anak at bayaw ko. Bumaba pa ako sa pwesto para mapag-bigyan sila. Ito ba yung sinasabi nilang kulang?” said ex-Representative Abacan.

Maria Cruz who failed to qualify in the last election agrees with Abacan and cites impossible requirements as the culprit. “Kaya wala silang makuha dahil sobrang taas ng requirements. Kailangan marunong magbasa at magsulat. Tapos kahit marunong ka na, kailangan mo pa ng malaking pera para mangampanya. Bakit di na lang nila i-waive yung mga requirement na yan at i-subsidize ang campaign costs imbes na kumuha ng tao sa ibang bansa?”

Asked for comment, an irate Dozer replied “Investing in our own people is a huge and costly endeavor. We don’t have the resources to retrain our officials to be honest or teach Filipinos to follow simple traffic rules. If we want to see immediate results, we need to look to other countries first.”

Should the project prove to be a success, DOLI will also bridge the demand for #6-10 on the list which includes: smokers who don’t smoke in PUVs, top stars who can act, honest salespeople, taxi drivers who give change, and people who attend meetings on time.

Screening of potential immigrants will start on June 2014.

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THIS FAKE NEWS is a reaction to the “shortage” of chemical engineers and architects, among other professions, and the government’s plans to hire foreign workers to meet local demand as reported here.

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